Tuesday, February 5, 2013

ME.

It's hard to believe that I'm almost 4 months post-partum. I've gone through so many changes somewhat physically but more so emotionally, and mentally. Your never really the same after you become a mom, but lately I've realized that I am not JUST Julian's mom, I mean don't get me wrong I absolutely love being a mom, but I don't want to get lost in that, if that makes any sense. I notice now that 94% of my time is devoted to Julian, and 5% goes to time I can get with J, then 1% everything else. My days just fly by now because I don't want to miss anything with Julian, or I'm worried if I'm spending enough time with him, or if I'm being selfish that I want to take a shower but he hasn't gotten his bath yet so I give him a bath first and get my shower in after. Yup... Mom guilt gets me every time. I get so focused on all things mommy, which isn't a bad thing but I just never pay attention to myself. I know things can't be that way though, I have to start paying attention to myself more, and keep telling J how I'm feeling and keeping the great communication that we have going. At times I have found myself very moody or restless, like I feel like I should be doing something but I have no motivation. Or at times I get a defensive attitude if I feel like I'm being critiqued for something I'm doing as a mom. Yeah I know... I'm a loon house. Anyways sometimes I don't feel like I'm being myself, and I've had several talks with J about these feelings and he just states that I'm my new self after Julian, which isn't bad, I just need to get into my groove of things. But sometimes I get scared because sometimes I think, could I have post-partum depression? I am happy with my life, and Justin and Julian make me happy, but am I exuding this happiness? When I think of anything with the word depression I feel like that automatically deals with something UN-happy, which I'm not, I just get scared that I'm starting not to know myself that I don't know what I want to do in life to better myself for my family. I have Justin who believes in me and sticks by me through my craziness and who I want to be a great wife to and then we have Julian, who I just want to be the best mom I can be to at all times. I just have so many ideas for things, and I get so scatterbrained that I don't know where to start. And Justin is going to school full time to better OUR future, and I'm just so proud of him for taking that step, but then there's me... And I don't know what I want to do besides take care of all of us. Sometimes I don't know how I'm feeling so it's really hard to explain. I know everything will be ok because I have such an amazing support system, it's just I feel like I should have the hang of things by now. Justin and Julian make me want to better myself, but if I don't know myself how can I make me better? And at times I'm constantly wanting to make the right decision that I can't even make a decision without needing validation. I know that this will pass, and I just need to take things day by day, keep being more open about my feelings. I also need to just start paying attention to myself more, Justin always tells me to take care of myself and not forget to eat because sometimes I do. I will get out of this funk. I always say this but I really am thankful for Justin, he's my voice of reason, and my best friend. I'm also thankful that I have an aunt who is basically me, and she knows exactly how I feel because she's been through what I'm going through, and she let me know that I'm not the only one who's gone through this, and I'm not a bad mom for feeling this way. But thankfully sunday I was starting to feel better. Sunday I finally felt together, like I was starting to get to know my new self, I even told J that I really felt like myself. I didn't feel restless, I didn't feel anxious, it was just a great day at home with my two boys, it was a great Super Bowl Sunday. And yesterday I even got to run a couple of errands alone, and sometimes you just need a trip to target alone... Since becoming a mom, I realize that that's a big deal. Another thing is my maternity leave is almost up and I'll be going back to work next week, but just for a little bit , then I'll be a full time stay at home mom. I'm really happy I have that opportunity because these are crucial moments in Julian's life that I don't want to miss because we will never get them again. He's going through emotional and developmental changes that I want to be there for. Then I figured since I'm going to be a full time SAHM, I should make a little money on the side and do some crafting, so I started my "Some Like It Sweet Shop" where I make handmade children's accessories. I feel like when Julian is napping or playing with Justin, and I start crafting, that it's not really work to me. So hopefully that goes well :) I'll blog more about that later. But I really just wanted to take on a project since I'm going to be staying home, SAHM's don't really get a lot of credit from some people because of the "stay at home" part, but let me tell you.... it's hard work. Being a mom is a 24/7 job, and when your a SAHM your brain is on mom mode at all times. Working moms are on mom mode too, but it's different because your at your job. Either way, I give praise to moms who go to work, but being a SAHM is no less than a job at wall street. I've realized that to be a stay at home mom, in order not to lose yourself, you need to make sure to make time for yourself, do things you want to do whether it be giving yourself a mani/pedi, or watching your favorite show. We are important too. It's so great when you have loved ones in your life that remind you of that when you start to lose sight of yourself. I just wanted to write a little bit about how I have felt, because as much as I love being a mom, I have to remember that I have to pay attention to myself too.

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