Monday, May 19, 2014

November.

November.

That's when J leaves for bootcamp. That will be the first time that we'll be apart for longer than a week... It'll be the first time Juelz won't see him for longer than a few days. He will be gone at bootcamp for 2 months, missing our 1 year wedding anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years with me and Juelz. Thankfully he will be here for Juelz's 2nd birthday so I'm happy about that. Bootcamp will be done in January and we'll fly to see him for graduation, then right after graduation he'll have to go to A-school which will take 6 months. During bootcamp we don't get to see him, and we won't really get to talk to him... During A-school we will get to visit him after a month or so however often we want. Once A-school is finished he'll get assigned his duty station then we'll finally get to live together as a family in our own space. Juelz  and I won't get to live with J until basically a year. It will definitely be hard, but despite that I feel so blessed.

Once J leaves, we will officially be a Military Family. He won't have a typical 9-5 job, the hours will vary, and things won't always go as planned. In fact, it's better not to plan anything... and not to expect anything. If you don't really know me, then you should know that I like to plan things, and even if I know I shouldn't expect anything... I still do. If things don't go the way I expect them to, I get disappointed and it affects my attitude. It's not a very good trait of mine at all, but it's really hard to shake.

The unknown makes me feel overwhelmed.

When I get overwhelmed, I get anxiety, when I get anxiety, I get stressed, when I get stressed, I am on-edge and everyone around me suffers from my bad attitude and brattiness. It effects my efficiency of being a wife, mother, and overall positive person.

It's a problem that I've had all my life, and it's a problem I always try and get rid of, but it still makes it's appearances here and there. I've come a long way after being with J, he is definitely the calm to my crazy. The thing that I'm scared about is that Justin won't always be there to ease me and let me know to just take a second and chill. I need to learn how to get my attitude in order myself. When J's away he won't be there to put me at ease if I had a hard day with Juelz, and sometimes I won't be able to call him when I just need him to tell me to take a deep breath and just have patience.

 I'm terrified that I'm going to be the one who will mostly be parenting Juelz when J's away for work because I don't really set a good example a lot of the time. I grew up with a lot of yelling, so my first reaction to a lot of things is yelling. I can be a brat at times, and sometimes I get mad easily... especially when I'm tense. I don't want Juelz taking on any of my negative traits. I'm always scared that I'm ruining him. I know now not to let fear consume me, and not to use fear as an excuse.

There is a lot I need to work on, and I'm constantly feeling like I'm not being a good mom or good wife. But I need to stop throwing myself a pity party because that's being selfish. The first step is recognizing the problem, and the second step is finding the solution. Every day is different, so all I need to do is remember to take a deep breath, stay positive, and keep bettering myself for me and my family.



Xoxo.


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